Bathroom Etiquette

Bathroom Etiquette

So you are taking a piss in a urinal (say at work or something) and you hear a voice from a nearby stall say “Kid. That you?” What should you do? What do the rules of Men’s room etiquette say on the subject? Who knows however earlier today I was confronted with this situation and I pretended like I was not the “kid”, finished up and exited the scene ASAP. Here’s my short list of proper men’s room etiquette…someone like Miss Manners should pick this up and publish. I have no idea what the rule should be for the ladies room however I would wager they are similar. Here goes:

1) The golden rule: Silence…just do what you have to do and get on with your day…if you have something to say it better be important. The bathroom at Porky’s is really the only situation I can think of that would warrant conversation.
2) Talking: if you do need to deviate from rule #1 you may only address someone doing the same bathroom operation as yourself. A few examples:
a) If you are taking a piss you may (again it is not encouraged) address someone who is also taking a piss (note: see rule 3 for advanced application).
b) If you are washing your hands you may address someone who is also washing their hands but not other operations.
c) If you are taking a crap it is rude to say anything…focus on the task at hand.
3) Spacing: this topic has been covered extensively and the rule is always to provide maximum real estate between you and others when you engage in any bathroom situation. This is to ensure a solid “hetero” perception as well as for basic public heath reasons. Sporting events constitute the only time you might find yourself elbow to elbow with another without being considered a fag.
4) Eye contact: focus on inanimate objects only…such as tiles or ads especially when you decide to talk…never have a wandering eye in the bathroom…it is gay.
5) Loitering: Don’t do it…this is gay (see “Something About Mary” or visit any roadside “rest stop” for details on loitering in the bathroom).